The big day is almost upon us, the day when couples exchange flamboyant cards and cute furry toys to signal their everlasting passion for each other, and then go for a special meal in a restaurant, each table with its own bespoke romantic balloon populated solely by other couples all sitting in reverent silence while, if lucky enough, listening to the collected works of Celine Dion.

Following the huge success of ‘12 tips for Christmas’ (Weds 17th Dec) I have complied ten useful things you might wish to say to your beloved, or intended beloved, to entice him or her to join you for a meal on this most romantic of evenings:

1. It’ll be just you, me and mother.
2. If we get the happy meal we can choose our own toy.
3. We could dress up as Batman and Robin.
4. I’ve always wanted to go to a lap dancing club and I’ve found one that does a couples night.
5. I could lie under the table while you feed me scraps.
6. Meet Dolores, she’s very open minded.
7. Do as I say.
8. I love popping balloons and the restaurant will be full of them!
9. I’m assuming you’re paying.
10. You don’t need any friends now; you’ve got me.

I do hope the above will help you ‘clinch that deal’ and as always am very happy to accept your messages of gratitude for this advice so do please leave your comments. Happy Valentines day!