Tender flowers thrive on horseshit
Hopes and fears – Mon 8th June
Tender flowers thrive on horseshit
“I was extremely tired, and with that, and the heat of the weather, and about half a pint of brandy that I drank as I left the ship, I found myself much inclined to sleep. I lay down on the grass, which was very short and soft, where I slept sounder than ever I remembered to have done in my life, and, as I reckoned, about nine hours; for when I awaked, it was just day-light. I attempted to rise, but was not able to stir: for, as I happened to lie on my back, I found my arms and legs were strongly fastened on each side to the ground; and my hair, which was long and thick, tied down in the same manner. I likewise felt several slender ligatures across my body, from my arm-pits to my thighs. I could only look upwards; the sun began to grow hot, and the light offended my eyes. I heard a confused noise about me; but in the posture I lay, could see nothing except the sky. In a little time I felt something alive moving on my left leg, which advancing gently forward over my breast, came almost up to my chin; when, bending my eyes downwards as much as I could, I perceived it to be a human creature not six inches high, with a bow and arrow in his hands, and a quiver at his back. In the mean time, I felt at least forty more of the same kind (as I conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost astonishment, and roared so loud, that they all ran back in a fright; and some of them, as I was afterwards told, were hurt with the falls they got by leaping from my sides upon the ground”
From: Jonathan Swift ‘Gulliver’s Travels Into Several Remote Nations of the World’ Published 1726
Brighton in the late 70s and early 80s was the destination of choice for the various youth tribes of the time: Mods, Rockers, Skinheads and Punks. As well as dress code, something well-covered elsewhere, as were the outbreaks of violence between clans, each faction had their own mode of transport: Mods arrived on scooters; Rockers all had very large motorbikes; Punks turned up in vans, someone’s mate’s brother’s car or something; the Skinheads all used trains.
Travelling via public transport meant they could drink more freely than the other subcultures (no one had to be sober enough for the journey down, let alone the return home) but this also created problems for, awaiting their arrival at Brighton station would be the local constabulary, who would immediately corral the Skinheads in cages and then give them a thorough searching. This was principally for concealed weaponry but, more interestingly, someone on the police force also had the bright idea that, given the wearing of ten and even fourteen hole high-top Doc Marten’s boots was de-rigeur among their clan, if you wanted to prevent a Skinhead from being any kind of credible threat, all you had to do was remove their boot laces. This rendered them incapable of moving at any speed greater than a shuffle and consequently very easy either to outrun, or catch up with and apprehend should they be seen engaging in any felonious act.
Given that Skinheads were largely ultra right wing and racist, it became a local sport among anti-fascist groups to congregate outside the station and, just, watch…
As a result of these indignities, the first task of any Skinhead leaving the station was to find new laces. But here another problem emerged: the only stockist of these within waddling distance of the station was the newly opened convenience store a block away, whose owner was of Pakistani origin. He had no problem selling them the laces, but they did have to say please and behave nicely while in his shop. And of course Mr Patel’s stock of laces was never large enough to cater for everyone, so many still found themselves undone, so to speak.
At the time all this was going on, I was working on Brighton seafront in one of my first jobs. Martin, one of the people I worked with had a friend who was something of an entrepreneur. I can’t remember his name, so we shall call him Paul.
Paul was always on the look out for ways he could make money out of situations and this lace-shortage seemed to him to be his big chance to make a killing. The idea was simple: all he needed to do was stand on the promenade with a pair of scissors and a ball of string, offering specially cut lengths at an exorbitant price to any hapless Skinhead who had been unable to purchase laces from Mr Patel. This worked for a while, there is not a lot you can do with unsecured boots and when faced with a crisis most of us are prepared to pay over the odds. The queues formed.
However, what Paul had not figured into the equation was the fact that Skinheads, despite being mistaken in their political views, are not entirely stupid. It only took one of them to realise that now being equipped with functional footwear, plus the moral superiority that comes from having just been fleeced, meant they were now in the position of being able to kick the shit out of this opportunist. A brief fracas ensued which Paul was lucky enough to escape from, but the last Martin heard of him as the police arrived, was his cries of “If I throw you the ball of string will you leave me alone?” emanating from the top of the lamp post he’d managed to shin up in his efforts to escape the angry hoarde.
All this came back to me when I saw that today there was an all-day, 70s Skinhead reunion event at the Volk’s Tavern. Given that the Madeira Café – frequented by many of the local hardcore biker population – is only a few feet from the Volk’s, this seemed an opportunity too good to miss, so, accompanied by E.A. my partner in crime for the day, there I headed.
It turned out to be rather a sedate affair. True, gleaming ox blood polished boots, red braces and turned up jeans or sta-press trousers abounded, but many of those whose heads had once been cropped close out of choice, now sported similar haircuts born of necessity. Some of the very few, younger members (who couldn’t have even been alive in the 70’s) exhibited the air of menace that brought back some of my nastier memories, but for most it seemed just an excuse to hold a pint while discussing this and that with old friends. Some wandered off in search of souvenirs in the local knickknack shops.
Only a few feet away, the bikers spent the day drinking tea and waving, as various friends arrived or departed on machines that, surely, were fashioned in the factories of Satan.
–
(With thanks to Simon from down the pub for additional details to complete this story)
So, today I see this ferret being taken for a walk. The ferret also sees me and immediately wraps his lead around my foot while investigating what must be, to him, some kind of walking tower. This is good as it gives me the opportunity to ask the owner if I can take a picture “yes that’s ok” only in the time it takes for me to ask, the ferret has spotted my trouser leg. Now I always thought it was no more than a music hall joke about ferrets and trousers, but this one is now making a determined lunge for what is clearly an irresistible tunnel, and the only thing stopping him from disappearing further up my leg is the fact that his lead is still wrapped around my foot. Some disentanglement ensues and while this is going on the ferret is now exploring my fingers. He really is cute and, reassured by the owner “he’s very friendly” I tickle him behind the ears. This goes down well and we are now having great fun, me waggling my fingers and him frolicking and pouncing while I tickle him.
However this presents a problem because my right hand is the one doing the tickling, meaning I can’t get near the camera button. While I’m trying to switch hands, he gives my fingers a couple of nips. These are really no more than a cat might give so we continue playing, and I continue manoeuvring, but then there is a bit of a change in mood and the next bite is definitely not playful. I now have a ferret hanging off my finger.
My first reaction is to stand up. In retrospect I can now see this was a bit of a mistake. I am thinking the ferret will let go as he leaves the ground. But to the ferret, now finding himself about four feet from the pavement, his only means of not dropping this distance is his teeth. I suspect this is why he sinks them in a bit further, just to make sure. A brief but interesting conversation ensues:
“Are you ok?”
“Yes I’m fine”
“But my ferret is hanging from your finger”
“Yes, I know”
“He doesn’t usually do this”
“If you play with unfamiliar ferrets you have to expect to get bitten”
“He must be biting quite deep to hang on like that”
“Yes I suppose so”
“He’s probably hungry”
By which time the owner has moved herself over to the ferret and, giving him some support, he now lets go.
“Naughty Peter, you mustn’t bite people (Peter is now lightly smacked on the nose).
“Are you ok?”
“No, really, I’m fine, look, he doesn’t seem to have drawn blood”
We both inspect the neat but somewhat angry looking puncture (the bleeding starts later). I then take Peter’s picture (not a very good one). Peter’s owner puts him back on the ground and in an instant the Ferret is off – he’s seen another trouser leg, although because these are ¾ length shorts Peter is having to jump to get even close to the bottom of them.
The photograph in today’s contact sheet was taken a few minutes after this encounter. Peter, his owner and I were heading in the same direction and I decide to take advantage of her now being on her phone to have another go. I feel I earned this second chance. Later, looking at the expression on his face in the photograph, I wondered, briefly, if there was any sign of apology for the bite, but I know damn well the bottom of one of my trouser legs was directly behind the camera.
News item heard today:
Malnutrition is becoming a growing problem among middle class children due to their parents’ fears of food allergies.
1660: Thomas Urquhart, the Scottish aristocrat, polymath and first translator of François Rabelais’s writings into English, is said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles II had taken the throne.
Antimacassar: A cover for the back or arms of a chair or sofa, originally to prevent them from being stained by macassar oil.
Macassar oil: An oil, from the ylang-ylang tree, once used to smooth the hair.
It’s amazing what you can find out just by asking.
17.07pm
“Excuse me mate that’s a fine looking camera you’ve got there, I’m feeling low today and I’ve a mind you should take my picture, I need something to make me feel good and I think that’d be just the thing. Me, I’ve never got on with the indoors, only spent three weeks in a flat in my entire life but I keep myself fit, wash and all, look after myself, I’m looking ok aren’t I? You see these scars, most of them are from the police. This bag is full of the stuff I’ve nicked today. It was a good haul. Here, I want you to photograph me here, where I sleep, yes like that, hang on a minute, yes, that’s right, did you take the picture? Let me look, ah you’ve taken a fair few, you’re quick, that’s good, that’s good, I’m feeling good now…”
17.29pm
“Hey mate, we think you should take our picture, yes all of us together, over here” “Nah, he’s a copper” “Do I look like a copper?” “Well…” “Are you going to send it to us? I mean we want a copy” “I’ll need an email address then” “Nah, he’s a copper” “Ok, sex.com” “That’s not going to work is it?” “ Here, what do you do with all these pictures?” “But you’re the ones that wanted me to take your picture” “Ok, come on boys, over here lets do this properly” “No that won’t work, the sun’ll be behind you, over here” “Ok, lads, lads, lads!” “I’m not going in it, he’s a copper” “This is supposed the be the best weekend of my entire life!” “If you can’t see the camera the camera can’t see you” “How do we know you’re going to send us the picture?” “I can guarantee you won’t get it unless someone gives me a proper email address” “Ok, sex.com” “Francie, stop pissing about” “Give him yours” “Nah, he’s a copper” “Hey I want to see the picture, look he’s taken lots” “Lets see, lets see” “That’s the best one, send us that one” “Someone needs to give me their email address don’t they” “Here I’m not in that one” Yes you are, look, see” “Oh all right then I am” “There” “I’m their uncle, they’re lovely boys” “I’ve found a pen, come on then” “F, R, A, N, C, I, E… no spaces…”
Like most local newspapers, Brighton’s Evening Argus is pretty unremarkable. A scan of its pages is likely to reveal the usual mix. found in any local rag, of sports, stories about town dignitaries, cats up trees, polemics against cyclists, taxi drivers and roadworks (interestingly mostly prevalent when these are taking place anywhere near their headquarters). However, where it excels is in the headlines it provides for the billboards displayed outside its newsagents. Over the years these have become more and more bizarre and spawned a number of imitators. Articles have been written about them and there are several online sites devoted to collections of these slogans. Today’s was a good one but if you want to find some truly spectacular examples of this artform, have a look at these:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/the-30-best-headlines-of-the-argus#.hcg4rq2P6
I would like to offer a personal and heartfelt salute to the man responsible for starting this trend. Martin Cooper, may you live long and prosper.
Milk fat
Functions: Increases richness of flavor. Lubricates and insulates the mouth
Limitations: Relatively high cost and smoothness of texture. Hinders whipping. May limit consumption due to high calories and satiating effect
Non dairy fats
Functions: Provides good structure and texture at lower cost than milk fat, if appropriate solid fat content
Limitations: Contributes little to flavor and may impart of off-flavor. May contribute to greasy texture
Milk solids-not-fat; milk/whey protein concentrates
Functions: Improves body and texture (protein) through emulsification and water holding capacity. Promotes development of overrun
Limitations: High amount may cause cooked or salty flavor. Potential for sandiness (lactose crystallization) at high concentration
Whey solids
Functions: Less expensive than conventional sources of MSNF
Limitations: High amount of lactose causes freezing point depression. Potential for sandiness greater than for conventional sources of MSNF
Sugar
Functions: Lowers freezing point Imparts sweetness to the ice cream. Improves flavor/texture
Limitations: Excess sweetness possible. Lower hardening temperature needed. Ice cream is softer, affecting scooping and the potential for greater recrystallization
Corn syrup solids
Functions: Lower cost than sugar. Improve body and texture. Increase stability of the ice cream
Limitations: Impart off flavor and chewy texture when overused
Stabilizers
Functions: Enhance smooth texture. Provide body. Enhance shelf life
Limitations: Excess chewiness may occur. Increase melt resistance
Egg yolk solids
Functions: Improve whipping ability. Impart custard flavor
Limitations: Foamy melted product. Egg flavor may be undesirable
Emulsifiers
Functions: Promote fat destabilization, leading to dryness, smoothness, and good melting properties
Limitations: Increase potential for churning of fat
Total solids (TS)
Functions: Smoother texture. Firmer body. Higher nutrient content. Lessen excess coldness
Limitations: Heavy, soggy, or sticky body. Reduce coldness
Flavoring
Functions: Increases acceptability
Limitations: Intensities and harshness may be unacceptable
Coloring
Functions: Improves attractiveness. Aids flavor identification
Limitations: Artificial shades. Allergic reactions of some people to yellow no. 5 or no. 6. Some consumers dislike added colors
From: ‘Ice Cream’ by H Douglas Goff and Richard W Hartel, Springer (2013)
(Table 2.1 Functions and limitations of selected ice cream constituents)