Oreston – 29th March 2016 

When I mentioned to Michael at the café that I was off to Plymouth again, I could see him begin to gaze into the past (How can you do that? We can’t time travel, but it’s the only way I can describe the look that came over him. Like looking at a boat on the horizon, only backwards). Anyway, Michael grew up in Plymouth, a long, long time ago, worked in the dockyards, then the Navy, before finally leaving for a life as a pub owner, and eventually washing up in Brighton.
“What you doing down there then?”
“My sister’s place is in Oreston, I’m looking after it for a few days”
“Oreston, where’s that?
“One of the suburbs, mouth of the Plym.”
“Ah, you mean OrESTon (I’d pronounced it OReston) ooh that takes me back. You need a translator if you’re going down there!”
“Why not?”
“No, no… I don’t know who’d be left. Went out to Oreston often enough as a boy though. There used to be boat yards and docks everywhere, Devonport, Plymstock, as well as Plymouth itself, all along the coast, all been merged into Plymouth now I suppose, those that are left. We were bombed a lot during the war, but those German buggers couldn’t aim very well so most the time it was the city that got hit. We’d go up on to the hills at night when the bombers came and watch Plymouth burn. If a school got hit we’d all cheer! Bombs don’t come down vertically you know, no one realises that. They come down at an angle, like this… Jennycliff still there?”
“Yes, I’ll be spending some time up there. Got a good café.”
“Ah”

Continuity – 6th March 2016

You can never be sure how these conversations start, but suddenly the three of us realised we’d all been dumped for money, in Mark’s case millionaires, twice.

“He did continuity on film sets. That Harry Potter movie. He was earning three grand a day, a day!”
“I mean we might not look much but our lives have substance”
“Three grand a day!”
“I don’t know, you offer them philosophical meaning and existential depth and they just go for the cash”
“Harry fucking Potter”
“I’m surprised I haven’t seen her more often, Brighton’s a small place”
“Three fucking grand for making sure someone’s tie is the same colour in different shots”
“I’m quite pleased I haven’t run into my ex wife once in the past five years”
“Harry fucking Potter!”

Smile! – 24th Feb 2016

Every so often you see an item on the news, or social media, with a caption something like ‘best selfie of 2015’ showing a picture of someone simultaneously wrestling a shark while extending their arm in that telltale gesture, or being photo bombed by dancing Chihuahuas, or maybe five world leaders showing they can be spontaneous and goofy while taking time off from discussing important plans to appear to do something about global warming or, or…

In all of these cases, it’s the content of the photo that earns the caption. This is all fine and well, but in placing so much emphasis on what’s in the picture we overlook one of the defining characteristics of the selfie, that of pose. To me, this is where the true quality of the new artform lies.

Therefore, I propose that from now on, any awards for best selfie of the year should take into consideration the following criteria:

Facial expression: this does not need to convey happiness, but should reflect the intentions of the photographer/subject, plus the relationship between knowingness and sincerity
Stance: very important, you are not only conveying a self-image, but are also acting as steady support for the camera – all blurring for whatever reason should be penalised
Nuance: this comprising detail in relation to the entire concert of gestures, props and clothing.
Context: highly important, but should always be subordinated to the photographer’s ideas, so kiss goodbye to the photo-bombing Chihuahuas, they weren’t intended.
Inanity: this is a difficult concept to define positively, but in the case of the selfie I think it has something to do with evidence of ‘really meaning it’ despite the banality of the form.

This is only my first attempt at distilling these key elements and will doubtless need amending. However, I believe today’s photograph exemplifies the above qualities to a conspicuous degree.

Crepundicide – 3rd Feb 2016

On my way home from work last night I came across a Santa toy disfigured by multiple burns. Most of his face had gone, leaving a nightmarish wound, the mutilation made more ghoulish by the jolly swagger the plastic would otherwise have embodied.

From time to time I come across similar things on my wanderings: decapitated soft toys with the stuffing ripped out of them, limbless Barbie dolls, My Little Ponies scalped of mane and tail… All of us have carried out comparable acts of abuse at some point in our lives. It’s no use denying it, even if once as a toddler you demanded the head of the jelly rabbit, or watched with fascination as the features of the Christmas candle figurine slowly liquefied at it burned down, you are guilty to a degree. Perhaps it’s a way of saying “I have put away childish things, I am bigger than this now”? Or maybe it’s just that children really can be murderous.

Anyway, on arriving home I decided there had to be a term for these ritual killings. Yet, despite a lot of searching I came up with nothing. It’s too significant a practice to not have a name so I’ve decided on:

‘Crepundicide’.

From the latin: ‘Crepundia’: rattle, plaything, toy. And ‘-cide’. Word-forming element meaning “killer,” from French -cide, from Latin -cida “cutter, killer, slayer,” from -cidere, comb. form of caedere “to strike down, chop, beat, hew, fell, slay… [or] from Latin -cidium “a cutting, a killing.”*

*Online Etymology Dictionary http://www.etymonline.com/

Curtains – 21st Jan 2016

“Paralytic sycophants, effete betrayers of humanity, carrion-eating servile imitators, arch-cowards and collaborators, gang of women-murderers, degenerate rabble, parasitic traditionalists, playboy soldiers, conceited dandies.”

East German Communist Party’s approved terms of abuse when describing the English, 1953. Quoted from: ‘The Mammoth Book of Tasteless and Outrageous Lists’, Karl Shaw, 2014

New year’s resolutions – 31st Dec 2015

For any of you for whom January 1st might not be the most convenient day to start your new-year’s resolutions, fear not! Below are some other new-year dates as observed by different religions. Now you don’t have to wait till this time next year to make that promise!

January 1: Gantan-sai – Shinto
January 24-27: Mahayana Buddhist (varies according to region)
February 8: Chinese New Year (Confucian, Daoist, Chinese Buddhist)
March 21: Norooz – Persian/Zoroastrian
March 21: Naw-Rúz – Baha’i
April 8: Hindu
April 22-23: Theravadin Buddhist (varies according to region)
October 2: Muharram – Islam
October 3-4: Rosh Hashanah – Jewish (although if you don’t want wait that long there is also a new year for trees on January 24th: ‘Rosh Hashanah La’Ilanot’)
October 31: Jain

NB: because many new years are dependent on other astronomical factors, usually phase of the moon, this list only applies to 2016 dates (and since I got them off the internet there’s a good chance some of them are made up anyway)

Happy new year!

And then – 28th Nov 2015

Leader of the House of Commons, Robin Cook’s resignation speech following the majority decision by the British parliament to invade Iraq in 2003:

“I have resigned from the cabinet because I believe that a fundamental principle of Labour’s foreign policy has been violated. If we believe in an international community based on binding rules and institutions, we cannot simply set them aside when they produce results that are inconvenient to us.

I cannot defend a war with neither international agreement nor domestic support. I applaud the determined efforts of the prime minister and foreign secretary to secure a second resolution. Now that those attempts have ended in failure, we cannot pretend that getting a second resolution was of no importance.

In recent days France has been at the receiving end of the most vitriolic criticism. However, it is not France alone that wants more time for inspections. Germany is opposed to us. Russia is opposed to us. Indeed at no time have we signed up even the minimum majority to carry a second resolution. We delude ourselves about the degree of international hostility to military action if we imagine that it is all the fault of President Chirac.

The harsh reality is that Britain is being asked to embark on a war without agreement in any of the international bodies of which we are a leading member. Not Nato. Not the EU. And now not the security council. To end up in such diplomatic isolation is a serious reverse. Only a year ago we and the US were part of a coalition against terrorism which was wider and more diverse than I would previously have thought possible. History will be astonished at the diplomatic miscalculations that led so quickly to the disintegration of that powerful coalition.

Britain is not a superpower. Our interests are best protected, not by unilateral action, but by multilateral agreement and a world order governed by rules. Yet tonight the international partnerships most important to us are weakened. The European Union is divided. The security council is in stalemate. Those are heavy casualties of war without a single shot yet being fired.

The threshold for war should always be high. None of us can predict the death toll of civilians in the forthcoming bombardment of Iraq. But the US warning of a bombing campaign that will “shock and awe” makes it likely that casualties will be numbered at the very least in the thousands. Iraq’s military strength is now less than half its size at the time of the last Gulf war. Ironically, it is only because Iraq’s military forces are so weak that we can even contemplate invasion. And some claim his forces are so weak, so demoralised and so badly equipped that the war will be over in days.

We cannot base our military strategy on the basis that Saddam is weak and at the same time justify pre-emptive action on the claim that he is a serious threat. Iraq probably has no weapons of mass destruction in the commonly understood sense of that term – namely, a credible device capable of being delivered against strategic city targets. It probably does still have biological toxins and battlefield chemical munitions. But it has had them since the 1980s when the US sold Saddam the anthrax agents and the then British government built his chemical and munitions factories.

Why is it now so urgent that we should take military action to disarm a military capacity that has been there for 20 years and which we helped to create? And why is it necessary to resort to war this week while Saddam’s ambition to complete his weapons programme is frustrated by the presence of UN inspectors?

I have heard it said that Iraq has had not months but 12 years in which to disarm, and our patience is exhausted. Yet it is over 30 years since resolution 242 called on Israel to withdraw from the occupied territories.

We do not express the same impatience with the persistent refusal of Israel to comply. What has come to trouble me most over past weeks is the suspicion that if the hanging chads in Florida had gone the other way and Al Gore had been elected, we would not now be about to commit British troops to action in Iraq.

I believe the prevailing mood of the British public is sound. They do not doubt that Saddam Hussein is a brutal dictator. But they are not persuaded he is a clear and present danger to Britain. They want the inspections to be given a chance. And they are suspicious that they are being pushed hurriedly into conflict by a US administration with an agenda of its own. Above all, they are uneasy at Britain taking part in a military adventure without a broader international coalition and against the hostility of many of our traditional allies. It has been a favourite theme of commentators that the House of Commons has lost its central role in British politics. Nothing could better demonstrate that they are wrong than for parliament to stop the commitment of British troops to a war that has neither international authority nor domestic support.”

Ancestral vices – 9th Nov 2015

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.”

Philip Larkin ‘This Be The Verse’ 1971