Up, up and away! – 28th Oct 2015

On the 19th of September 1783 the brothers Montgolfier gave their first demonstration of Balloon flight bearing passengers. While originally humans were proposed for this experiment, because of uncertainty regarding what might happen, it was instead decided to test the flight using 3 animals: a sheep, chosen because they were supposed to have the closest physiology to humans; a duck (being able to fly, ducks were considered unlikely to suffer any problems with altitude) and a cockerel as a kind of halfway control, i.e. chickens, despite being birds, don’t have much experience of high altitudes. The only one of these passengers to be named was the sheep, called Montauciel (“Climb-to-the-sky”). The flight lasted approximately eight minutes and reached an altitude of around 460 metres. All passengers returned to earth unharmed.

Somewhat less than 200 years later, the first living beings not only to leave the ground but also to leave our atmosphere were again animals. Contrary to popular belief this first pioneering mission was carried out by two fruit flies, aboard a U.S.-launched V-2 rocket on 20 February 1947. In 1949 the fruit flies were followed into space by two rhesus monkeys named, somewhat dynastically: Albert I and Albert II (though unrelated). Due to rocket problems, Albert I met his end on the way up, at about 30-39 miles above ground. Albert II got a lot higher – about 83 miles – but didn’t survive the return because of parachute failure. Numerous other monkeys ‘gave’ their lives in pursuit of beyond-world travel in the 1940s – 50s, the death rate for these missions being about 60-70%.

Further attempts at space flight by both the Russians and Americans involved additional monkeys (rhesus and squirrel species) several mice, the Russian dogs: Tsygan, Dezik, and Laika (none of which survived). In 1959 two monkeys, Able and Baker did actually make it back to Earth alive, Baker surviving until 1984. Following them, more dogs, a rabbit (in 1959) some frogs, copious numbers of mice, rather fewer rats, 15 more flasks of fruit flies and a Guinea pig.

The role of animals as space pioneers was finally eclipsed by the flight of the first human: Yuri Gagarin, on April 12th 1961, but even since then, many different species, including fish, spiders, birds, tree frogs, crickets, stick insects, newts and sea urchins, have continued to be launched into space for various reasons. However, as far as I am aware, not one cat has, as yet, ever been sent into orbit.

Collected stones, page 10

“For in the midst of a stone not long since found at Chius, upon the breaking up thereof, there was seen –Caput panisci– enclosed therein, very perfectly formed, as the beholders do remember. How come the grains of gold to be so fast enclosed in the stones that are and have been found in the Spanish Baetis? But this is most marvellous, that a most delectable and sweet oil, comparable to the finest balm, or oil of spike in smell, was found naturally enclosed in a stone, which could not otherwise be broken but with a smith’s hammer.

Finally, I myself have seen stones opened, and within them the substances of corrupted worms like unto adders (but far shorter), whose crests and wrinkles of body appeared also therein as if they had been engraved in the stones by art and industry of man. Wherefore to affirm that as well living creatures as precious stones, gold, etc., are now and then found in our quarries, shall not hereafter be a thing so incredible as many talking philosophers, void of all experience, do affirm and wilfully maintain against such as hold the contrary.”

‘Of Quarries of Stone for Building’, in: ‘Elizabethan England’: from “A Description of England,” by William Harrison (in “Holinshed’s Chronicles”). Edited by Lothrop Withington, [1577, Book II., Chapter 11]

Beauty and the Beast – 25th Oct 2015

“Children believe what we tell them. They have complete faith in us. They believe that a rose plucked from a garden can plunge a family into conflict. They believe that the hands of a human beast will smoke when he slays a victim, and that this will cause him shame when a young maiden takes up residence in his home. They believe a thousand other simple things.

I ask of you a little of this childlike sympathy and, to bring us luck, let me speak four truly magic words, childhood’s “Open Sesame”:
Once upon a time…”

Jean Cocteau, Beauty and the Beast

Dressage – 23rd Oct 2015

“Brand Blueprint Execution. In 2010, we relaunched MY LITTLE PONY behind all-new television entertainment that now airs around the globe in 180 territories and is streamed on multiple digital platforms. Extending a period of growth that has seen the brand’s revenue increase every year since 2011, MY LITTLE PONY had a record year in 2014, with more than $1 billion in global retail sales. Entertainment is fueling strong performance in many international regions. The MY LITTLE PONY brand has become truly global, and now generates more than half of its revenues outside the U.S. MY LITTLE PONY is also reaching a broader demographic today than in years past, due in large part to the combined success of FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, which appeals to audiences beyond young girls, and the brand extension, EQUESTRIA GIRLS, which has expanded the brand’s story and product lines. In 2015, we are bringing these great characters to a younger audience with the MY LITTLE PONY Playskool Friends line. Designed for 1-3 year olds, Millennium Moms who grew up with MY LITTLE PONY will have the opportunity to share this brand with their youngest children. In addition, the popularity of our MY LITTLE PONY content is also driving significant growth of our licensing programs around the world. Last year was our biggest year ever for MY LITTLE PONY licensing. Today, MY LITTLE PONY licensed products—from apparel and comic books to health & beauty and sleepwear—are sold in every major market around the world.”

(Hasbro 2014 shareholders annual report)

“Ooh! This is my jam!
There is a place
Where the grass is what’s for dinner
Soup’s on, everypony!
Charmed, fun, and wild
Yeehaw!
There must be something in the water
What?
Sippin’ rainbow juice
Talking Elements of Harmony
Yeah!
Our bronies
Hey there!
Hang out too
Come on, Bronies!
‘Cause they know we’re awesome fillies
Come on, everypony!
You could travel the world (You could travel the world)
But no one can groove like the girls with the hooves
Once you party with ponies
Party with the ponies
You’ll be seeing Rainbooms!
O-oh o-oh o-ooh!
Equestria girls
We’re kinda magical
Equestria!
Boots on hooves, bikinis on top
Furry coats, so cute
We’ll blow your mind
Aoaoah oh, aoaoaoh!
Equestria girls
We’re pony-fabulous
Equestria!
Fast, fine, fierce, we trot ’til we drop
Oh!
Cutie marks represent
Cutie marks!
Now put your hooves up
Put yo’ hooves in the air
Aoaoah oh, aoaoaoh!
Break it down, DJ Pon-3
These are the ponies I love the most
I wish you could all be Equestria girls”

(‘Equestria Girls’ commercial 2011, lyrics)

Magic marker – 22nd Oct 2015

Today I found a pink highlighter pen in the office where I work. On a strip of paper neatly taped to one side is written the word: ‘doom’. This discovery has deeply unsettled me. I have tried to rationalise my discomfort. After all, I tell myself, if you turn the pen round the word looks like ‘wood’, but this attempt at positive thinking is undermined by the fact that, this way up, the ‘d’ isn’t right. Either it’s back to front or, if it’s a lower-case ‘d’ then the upper part of the letter is missing. And the word is written too neatly to be subject to this kind of oversight. In any case, writing the word ‘wood’ (neatly, but with errors) on the side of a plastic pen seems to me to be even more nonsensical than ‘doom’.

No, I fear that ‘doom’ it is. But why would anyone tape the word ‘doom’ to the side of a pink highlighter pen? Have I stumbled upon a new bureaucratic form of voodoo, practiced by the administrators in the floor below? Or is this one of the secret and sacred tools of senior management? Is this a pen so powerful that, not only is it used to highlight, on some diabolic spreadsheet, the departments destined for ‘reorganization’, but also for deciding the eternal fate of the institution’s employees? And, more worrying still, why has it appeared on my desk?

Career opportunities – 21st Oct 2015

It has occurred to me that, after all, there may be a place for vampires in our modern world. One of the biggest problems in product photography is trying to avoid the image of the photographer intruding on pictures of things with reflective surfaces. Given the undead cannot be reflected in mirrors etc. this might give them a real advantage. Indeed, many of them may have already found employment in this specialist area. Its nice to think that there is a place for everyone nowadays.

Coming up soon: career opportunities for werewolves.

Wolf dreams – 20th Oct 2015

“Dogs are not like cats, who amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw. Men made dogs, they took wolves and gave them human things–unnecessary intelligence, names, a desire to belong, and a twitching inferiority complex. All dogs dream wolf dreams, and know they’re dreaming of biting their Maker. Every dog knows, deep in his heart, that he is a Bad Dog…”

Terry Pratchett, ‘Men at Arms’

Sound effects – 19th Oct 2015

In cartoons, storytellers will sometimes reinforce a particular abstract concept with a sound effect. The sound of falling in love could include flutes and tweeting birds; abandonment might be accompanied by violins and slightly out of tune piano (in a minor key) while befuddlement resulting from a knock-out blow to the head will get tweeting birds but no music. There are also a rich variety of sounds associated with different aspects of financial exchange. Two that immediately spring to mind include noises of cash registers opening, and fruit machines hitting the jackpot, both signalling the imminent likelihood of increased cash flow.

Today, I wake up to the sound of builders on my roof. While dragging myself to the kettle, I overhear the following monologue: “Its fucking fucked mate, the worst I’ve ever seen, total shit. I mean look at that: fucked, and it goes all the fucking way down there too, see? I’m surprised no one’s got fucking killed from bits falling off looking at the fucking state of that. Here, see, fucked, fucked, fucked” etc.

And all at once I realise that this is the sound an overdraft makes as it hurtles straight towards you.

Clematis Vitalba – 18th Oct 2015

Clematis Vitalba is the UK’s only native Clematis. A vigorous climber, it can be seen growing through hedgerows at the side of roads and railways, in building sites and, indeed, left alone, will flourish almost anywhere. From early summer it begins flowering, producing tiny but beautifully formed white blooms. These continue throughout the season well into the autumn, while on the same plant, earlier flower heads by now will have started to seed. These seeds, all clad in copious amounts of hairy down to allow better dispersal by the wind, are the reason for its common name: ‘Old Man’s Beard’ which, when seen growing in large clumps, the plant resembles very closely.