Ta da da dad da daa da – Sat June 13th

I’m not spending Saturday night in Brighton this weekend, but you can never quite be free of the place can you? Waiting for a train connection at Clapham Junction I hear the unmistakeable sound of a hen party yelling the Conga. Looking up, this is what I see. No prizes for guessing where they are heading for the evening.

Acts of vagrancy – Tues 9th June

There ought to be a specific word or phrase for seagull behaviour around rubbish bins. None I can think of quite fits the bill. ‘Plundering’, while suggesting a certain pirate-like swagger, is a bit full-on, as is ‘looting’; ‘hanging around’ is too innocent; ‘foraging’ while true, suggests something within a natural order (which it isn’t) like grazing or hunter-gathering; and ‘rummaging’ is something more likely to happen at boot fairs or jumble sales.

For me, the phrase that best encapsulates the activity, is ‘Loitering with intent’ Unfortunately, this creates a new problem because this is a legal term, apparently first appearing in the Vagrancy Act 1824 and if this is indeed applicable to seagulls, then they should all be arrested for carrying out said pursuit.

If anyone has a better word for what gulls do around bins, please let me know.

Early start – Sun 7th June

“I was extremely tired, and with that, and the heat of the weather, and about half a pint of brandy that I drank as I left the ship, I found myself much inclined to sleep. I lay down on the grass, which was very short and soft, where I slept sounder than ever I remembered to have done in my life, and, as I reckoned, about nine hours; for when I awaked, it was just day-light. I attempted to rise, but was not able to stir: for, as I happened to lie on my back, I found my arms and legs were strongly fastened on each side to the ground; and my hair, which was long and thick, tied down in the same manner. I likewise felt several slender ligatures across my body, from my arm-pits to my thighs. I could only look upwards; the sun began to grow hot, and the light offended my eyes. I heard a confused noise about me; but in the posture I lay, could see nothing except the sky. In a little time I felt something alive moving on my left leg, which advancing gently forward over my breast, came almost up to my chin; when, bending my eyes downwards as much as I could, I perceived it to be a human creature not six inches high, with a bow and arrow in his hands, and a quiver at his back. In the mean time, I felt at least forty more of the same kind (as I conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost astonishment, and roared so loud, that they all ran back in a fright; and some of them, as I was afterwards told, were hurt with the falls they got by leaping from my sides upon the ground”

From: Jonathan Swift ‘Gulliver’s Travels Into Several Remote Nations of the World’ Published 1726

Undone – Sat 6th June

Brighton in the late 70s and early 80s was the destination of choice for the various youth tribes of the time: Mods, Rockers, Skinheads and Punks. As well as dress code, something well-covered elsewhere, as were the outbreaks of violence between clans, each faction had their own mode of transport: Mods arrived on scooters; Rockers all had very large motorbikes; Punks turned up in vans, someone’s mate’s brother’s car or something; the Skinheads all used trains.

Travelling via public transport meant they could drink more freely than the other subcultures (no one had to be sober enough for the journey down, let alone the return home) but this also created problems for, awaiting their arrival at Brighton station would be the local constabulary, who would immediately corral the Skinheads in cages and then give them a thorough searching. This was principally for concealed weaponry but, more interestingly, someone on the police force also had the bright idea that, given the wearing of ten and even fourteen hole high-top Doc Marten’s boots was de-rigeur among their clan, if you wanted to prevent a Skinhead from being any kind of credible threat, all you had to do was remove their boot laces. This rendered them incapable of moving at any speed greater than a shuffle and consequently very easy either to outrun, or catch up with and apprehend should they be seen engaging in any felonious act.

Given that Skinheads were largely ultra right wing and racist, it became a local sport among anti-fascist groups to congregate outside the station and, just, watch…

As a result of these indignities, the first task of any Skinhead leaving the station was to find new laces. But here another problem emerged: the only stockist of these within waddling distance of the station was the newly opened convenience store a block away, whose owner was of Pakistani origin. He had no problem selling them the laces, but they did have to say please and behave nicely while in his shop. And of course Mr Patel’s stock of laces was never large enough to cater for everyone, so many still found themselves undone, so to speak.

At the time all this was going on, I was working on Brighton seafront in one of my first jobs. Martin, one of the people I worked with had a friend who was something of an entrepreneur. I can’t remember his name, so we shall call him Paul.

Paul was always on the look out for ways he could make money out of situations and this lace-shortage seemed to him to be his big chance to make a killing. The idea was simple: all he needed to do was stand on the promenade with a pair of scissors and a ball of string, offering specially cut lengths at an exorbitant price to any hapless Skinhead who had been unable to purchase laces from Mr Patel. This worked for a while, there is not a lot you can do with unsecured boots and when faced with a crisis most of us are prepared to pay over the odds. The queues formed.

However, what Paul had not figured into the equation was the fact that Skinheads, despite being mistaken in their political views, are not entirely stupid. It only took one of them to realise that now being equipped with functional footwear, plus the moral superiority that comes from having just been fleeced, meant they were now in the position of being able to kick the shit out of this opportunist. A brief fracas ensued which Paul was lucky enough to escape from, but the last Martin heard of him as the police arrived, was his cries of “If I throw you the ball of string will you leave me alone?” emanating from the top of the lamp post he’d managed to shin up in his efforts to escape the angry hoarde.

All this came back to me when I saw that today there was an all-day, 70s Skinhead reunion event at the Volk’s Tavern. Given that the Madeira Café – frequented by many of the local hardcore biker population – is only a few feet from the Volk’s, this seemed an opportunity too good to miss, so, accompanied by E.A. my partner in crime for the day, there I headed.

It turned out to be rather a sedate affair. True, gleaming ox blood polished boots, red braces and turned up jeans or sta-press trousers abounded, but many of those whose heads had once been cropped close out of choice, now sported similar haircuts born of necessity. Some of the very few, younger members (who couldn’t have even been alive in the 70’s) exhibited the air of menace that brought back some of my nastier memories, but for most it seemed just an excuse to hold a pint while discussing this and that with old friends. Some wandered off in search of souvenirs in the local knickknack shops.

Only a few feet away, the bikers spent the day drinking tea and waving, as various friends arrived or departed on machines that, surely, were fashioned in the factories of Satan.

(With thanks to Simon from down the pub for additional details to complete this story)

Feeding time – Thurs 4th June

So, today I see this ferret being taken for a walk. The ferret also sees me and immediately wraps his lead around my foot while investigating what must be, to him, some kind of walking tower. This is good as it gives me the opportunity to ask the owner if I can take a picture “yes that’s ok” only in the time it takes for me to ask, the ferret has spotted my trouser leg. Now I always thought it was no more than a music hall joke about ferrets and trousers, but this one is now making a determined lunge for what is clearly an irresistible tunnel, and the only thing stopping him from disappearing further up my leg is the fact that his lead is still wrapped around my foot. Some disentanglement ensues and while this is going on the ferret is now exploring my fingers. He really is cute and, reassured by the owner “he’s very friendly” I tickle him behind the ears. This goes down well and we are now having great fun, me waggling my fingers and him frolicking and pouncing while I tickle him.

However this presents a problem because my right hand is the one doing the tickling, meaning I can’t get near the camera button. While I’m trying to switch hands, he gives my fingers a couple of nips. These are really no more than a cat might give so we continue playing, and I continue manoeuvring, but then there is a bit of a change in mood and the next bite is definitely not playful. I now have a ferret hanging off my finger.

My first reaction is to stand up. In retrospect I can now see this was a bit of a mistake. I am thinking the ferret will let go as he leaves the ground. But to the ferret, now finding himself about four feet from the pavement, his only means of not dropping this distance is his teeth. I suspect this is why he sinks them in a bit further, just to make sure. A brief but interesting conversation ensues:

“Are you ok?”
“Yes I’m fine”
“But my ferret is hanging from your finger”
“Yes, I know”
“He doesn’t usually do this”
“If you play with unfamiliar ferrets you have to expect to get bitten”
“He must be biting quite deep to hang on like that”
“Yes I suppose so”
“He’s probably hungry”

By which time the owner has moved herself over to the ferret and, giving him some support, he now lets go.

“Naughty Peter, you mustn’t bite people (Peter is now lightly smacked on the nose).
“Are you ok?”
“No, really, I’m fine, look, he doesn’t seem to have drawn blood”

We both inspect the neat but somewhat angry looking puncture (the bleeding starts later). I then take Peter’s picture (not a very good one). Peter’s owner puts him back on the ground and in an instant the Ferret is off – he’s seen another trouser leg, although because these are ¾ length shorts Peter is having to jump to get even close to the bottom of them.

The photograph in today’s contact sheet was taken a few minutes after this encounter. Peter, his owner and I were heading in the same direction and I decide to take advantage of her now being on her phone to have another go. I feel I earned this second chance. Later, looking at the expression on his face in the photograph, I wondered, briefly, if there was any sign of apology for the bite, but I know damn well the bottom of one of my trouser legs was directly behind the camera.

Baywatch – Sun 31st May

Antimacassar: A cover for the back or arms of a chair or sofa, originally to prevent them from being stained by macassar oil.

Macassar oil: An oil, from the ylang-ylang tree, once used to smooth the hair.

It’s amazing what you can find out just by asking.