Month: February 2015

AOB – Sat 7th Feb

The buzz-phrase generator

‘I have pointed elsewhere to the baleful influence of American gobbledygook on certain sorts of writing, both academic and official. Defence is a subject which has suffered badly (owing, some say, to the Harvard influence imported by Mr McNamara into the United States Department of Defence.) But the phenomenon has not gone uncriticised even on the other side of the Atlantic. The Canadian Defence Department is credited with the invention of the following ‘buzz-phrase generator’:

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The procedure is simple. You think of a 3-digit number at random and take the corresponding word from each column. Thus, 601 gives you the buzz-phrase ‘optimal management flexibility’, 095 gives ‘integrated policy concept’, 352 gives ‘parallel logistical capability’, and so on. The authors claim that the buzz-phrase generator gives its users ‘instant expertise on matters pertaining to defence’, enabling them to invest anything they write, not with any particular meaning, but with ‘that proper ring of decisive, progressive, knowledgeable authority’.

I have seen a British development of this invention which has three columns of no fewer than sixty lines each and includes not only most of the vogue words mentioned elsewhere in this book but many others too. This may be over elaborate for practical use, but its compilation speaks well for British civil servants. It is wonderful how slight the difference is between some of the serious writing produced nowadays on defence matters and some of the parodies produced with the aid of the Canadian or British buzz-phrase generator.’

From: ‘The Complete Plain Words’, by Sir Ernest Gowers, Pelican Books 1982, pp 308-309 (First published as ‘The Complete Plain Words’ HM Stationary Office, 1954)

Love is in the air – Thurs 5th Feb

Valentines day may have been named after St Valentine (or rather, one of at least two of them, no-one knows which one) or at least renamed after a St Valentine as an attempt to Christanize the pre-existing pagan fertility festival of Lupercalia, in which young men whipped the buttocks of young women in an attempt to improve their fertility (any excuse) but the original purpose of it was to mark the day at the end of the winter period where you would allow your pigeons to start mating.

Pigeons can, given the right conditions, reproduce all year, but the scarceness of food in the winter means their chicks are less likely to survive – not such a good idea if you’re living in a subsistence community such as England in the dark and middle ages, and relying on pretty much anything as a food supply. Apparently getting pigeons to start breeding around this time of year also means that, when their young start flying there are less hawks around. Oh, and, in more northern climes the increase in sunlight during February leads to a corresponding increase in gonadal activity in birds…

Ah, romance!

Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post (Springs – Weds 28th Jan) there’s definitely a lot more goings on in the bird world of late. I was reminded of this today when I walked past a tree so filled with pigeons I thought it was about to burst into bloom (either that or they’ve been watching Hitchcock movies through someone’s window).

Here are two lines from Chaucer’s ‘The Parliament of Fowls’ (written sometime around 1382). This is the A. S. Kline 2007 translation:

‘For this was on Saint Valentine’s day,
When every fowl comes there his mate to take’

And again in Chaucer’s original language:

‘For this was on Seynt Valentynes day,
Whan every foul cometh ther to chese his make’

I reckon that clinches it.

Watch out for my forthcoming Valentines special, with a top ten list of things to say to your beloved to entice him or her to go out for that special meal with you…

Chorus – Weds 4th Feb

Back at the café again; so is the starling, perching on top of a windbreak pole and singing his heart out. Another complex song varying from pops and crackles to budgie sounds to a two-part call containing one ascending, and then one very long descending note, not quite a wolf-whistle, but close enough, actually rather better. No scaffolder could be that tuneful, or suggestive. I try this part of the song. The starling gives me a look. He keeps on singing. I try it again. After a while he does it back.

And there’s this crow watching us, looking really intent. I try it again and then, honest, cross my heart, I hear this two-part squawk returned; one ascending, one long descending, well, ‘note’ isn’t exactly the word as it sounds like its coming from a domestic gravel crusher but I know it’s the same tune so I try it again for the benefit of the crow and it returns the call again, several times over while becoming more and more animated, first shifting its weight from one leg to another and then adding a bit of a knees-bend so it seems to be doing something like the okey-cokey on a pogo stick.

The starling flies off. I suppose its bad enough having your best tune murdered by a great lump of a human without some bloody crow joining in too, but me and the crow are dead pleased with ourselves.

Mass observation – Mon 2nd Feb

Yesterdays contact sheet felt incomplete (hence I’m writing a day late). Nevertheless I wanted to get something out because I was so pleased with the sparrow shot, but none of the other photos seemed to work together; they needed something else. I ended up running out of time before quiz night (oh yes!) and decided I’d sort it once I got home or just post the sparrow on its own. This turned out to be lucky because within minutes of arriving at the pub, I get a text from Tony saying, rather gnomically, ‘look at the moon’. If you get a message from someone saying something like that, you just have to obey, so, end of round one, off I trot outside and my god, he’s right: the most fantastic frost halo. Huge too.

So I then drag everyone else in my team out into the street, some less willing than others, but all agree it’s breathtaking. Liz takes a pic on her phone where you can just see it. Even the smartass team on the next table go out and have a look (I’m delighted that one of their number comes back inside a few minutes later and asks me what he was supposed to be looking at – ha! – one question you haven’t got the answer for eh?). So when the quiz and drinks are finished (we were only three points off winning this week. Team smartass won again, dammit…) on the way home I’m having a longer look at the moon and realise that it’s the last image I need for the contact sheet. Its bloody freezing out and I’m really struggling with the idea of staying in to have a cup of tea before venturing forth again but I know the moon is on the move and will disappear round the corner if I don’t do something now, so, find the tripod and the really wide angle lens, and head back downstairs.

Of course, this being Brighton, I open the front door only to trip over someone else, literally on my doorstep, with a camera and tripod. His friend has just facebooked the news and it’s a bit of a challenge for him now, especially after the lightning last summer. We chat a bit more and he heads off for the beach because he thinks he can get a better shot. Apparently his girlfriend is in the shower; this piece of information is somehow significant. I stay put because I reckon I can make the trees work for the image. I’m also wondering how long his girlfriend showers for. It’ll take him at least half an hour to get to the beach and back, probably a lot longer once he’s set up the camera and taken the pictures. Does he often just disappear while she’s having a wash?

.sparrow flight 2-2-15 (click for a bigger image)